In a conversation with my counsellor, I just wanted to hide my head in the sand when we touched on healing. I spent time sharing things I had endured hoping for sympathy and support, but alas! The response was firm and decisive. Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t anything I didn’t know the things she was saying. I didn’t want to hear it. Why? It hurt to listen to these things because I already knew them.
Healing is not a random or unplanned process; it is deliberate.
It is based on a choice to get better and do things differently, but it is also a process. The thing that caught my attention was the fact that I had to choose then do. Choose what? Choose to get better. Choose to become stronger. Choose to deal with my drama. Choose to work on being the best I could be. Choose to change my associations if needed. Choose, choose, choose.
It felt so hard to choose because it meant I would have to prioritize myself over others for a little while. Why? Choosing me will lead me to heal. I must choose to look through my life and see the things that happened. Understand the ones that cause the pain, enable others to hurt me, and connect to fuel the things that hurt me. As I looked in, I began to see the root of the pain even though it was too hard to deal.
I found the pain and struggle hard to let go of because it had become my identity and a crutch. I was so used to feeling the pain that I didn’t know how to be without it. I was so used to being defensive that I didn’t know how to be free and whole. I didn’t know what it looked like to be out of the loop or pattern. I didn’t know how to be different and pain-free.
Suddenly I was introduced to process.
Looking inward only identified the challenge but did not provide a way out. If I wanted to get up and stay up, I needed to deal decisively. I needed to choose and work out a plan lest the pain would weigh me down and stagnate me. It was strange to be so stuck because I always prided myself as strong and able. HA! The word prided caught my eye. I was so used to being in control and showing my strong side that I lost touch with my soft side. The pain was so much that I had to make it out of that space.
So what was the process?
- Acknowledge – accept that I am in pain and need to get out of that space. Accept that I need to do something different.
- Find the root – dig deep through life’s experiences and establish where the pain started and what caused it. I had to know what started this and then go back and interact with the cause.
- Resolve – work through the pain and find healing through conversation, journaling and counselling. Cry, talk, workout, scream; do whatever it takes to resolve the pain.
- Forgive – yes, I said forgive. Forgive the person who caused me the pain; forgive myself for holding on so long. Forgiveness is more for my sanity and not for the other person; it is my route to healing and wholeness.
- Be accountable – have people walk the process with you with varying access to me. Some will have the license to ask the hard questions I must respond to, while others will be companions for a reason or a season.
I can only heal and remain sane when I choose and heal. What about you?
Kyesubire's 