Choose and Heal

In a conversation with my counsellor, I just wanted to hide my head in the sand when we touched on healing. I spent time sharing things I had endured hoping for sympathy and support, but alas! The response was firm and decisive. Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t anything I didn’t know the things she was saying. I didn’t want to hear it. Why? It hurt to listen to these things because I already knew them.

Healing is not a random or unplanned process; it is deliberate.

It is based on a choice to get better and do things differently, but it is also a process. The thing that caught my attention was the fact that I had to choose then do. Choose what? Choose to get better. Choose to become stronger. Choose to deal with my drama. Choose to work on being the best I could be. Choose to change my associations if needed. Choose, choose, choose.

It felt so hard to choose because it meant I would have to prioritize myself over others for a little while. Why? Choosing me will lead me to heal. I must choose to look through my life and see the things that happened. Understand the ones that cause the pain, enable others to hurt me, and connect to fuel the things that hurt me. As I looked in, I began to see the root of the pain even though it was too hard to deal.

I found the pain and struggle hard to let go of because it had become my identity and a crutch. I was so used to feeling the pain that I didn’t know how to be without it. I was so used to being defensive that I didn’t know how to be free and whole. I didn’t know what it looked like to be out of the loop or pattern. I didn’t know how to be different and pain-free.

Suddenly I was introduced to process.

Looking inward only identified the challenge but did not provide a way out. If I wanted to get up and stay up, I needed to deal decisively. I needed to choose and work out a plan lest the pain would weigh me down and stagnate me. It was strange to be so stuck because I always prided myself as strong and able. HA! The word prided caught my eye. I was so used to being in control and showing my strong side that I lost touch with my soft side. The pain was so much that I had to make it out of that space.

So what was the process?

• Acknowledge – accept that I am in pain and need to get out of that space. Accept that I need to do something different.
• Find the root – dig deep through life’s experiences and establish where the pain started and what caused it. I had to know what started this and then go back and interact with the cause.
• Resolve – work through the pain and find healing through conversation, journaling and counselling. Cry, talk, workout, scream; do whatever it takes to resolve the pain.
• Forgive – yes, I said forgive. Forgive the person who caused me the pain; forgive myself for holding on so long. Forgiveness is more for my sanity and not for the other person; it is my route to healing and wholeness.
• Be accountable – have people walk the process with you with varying access to me. Some will have the license to ask the hard questions I must respond to, while others will be companions for a reason or a season.

I can only heal and remain sane when I choose and heal. What about you?

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Forgive, don’t hold back.

We were seated in the cool of the evening, chatting about life when he turned to Mr and said, you need to forgive X. My eyes popped and I ask…

What did you say?

You heard me…you need to forgive X.

Why does it always have to be me starting things? Why can’t people see when they have hurt me and just ask for forgiveness?

Why do you hold onto these feelings and refuse to forgive them? It’s a two-way street you know?

I was so done with this particular conversation I remained silent…seemingly pondering but actually stewing on the matter, then the piece below showed up on my timeline…

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#Borrowed = Forgiveness: The Double-Edged Word

Do you ever find yourself defining life by before and after the deep hurt?

The horrific season. The conversation that stunned you. The shocking day of discovery. The divorce. The wrongful death so unfathomable you still can’t believe they are gone. The breakup. The day your friend walked away. The hateful conversation. The remark that seems to now be branded on your soul. The day everything changed.

That marked moment in time. Life before. Life now. Is it even possible to move on from something like this? Is it even possible to create a life that’s beautiful again?

When your heart has been shattered and reshaped into something that doesn’t quite feel normal inside your own chest yet, the word forgiveness feels a bit unrealistic to bring into the conversation.

Forgiveness is possible, but it won’t always feel possible.

It’s a double-edged word, isn’t it?

It’s hard to give. It’s amazing to get. But when we receive it so freely from the Lord and refuse to give it, something heavy starts to form in our souls.

It’s the weight of forgiveness that wasn’t allowed to pass through.

Forgiveness isn’t something hard we have the option to do or not do. Forgiveness is something hard-won that we have the opportunity to participate in.

When I wrongly think forgiveness rises and falls based on all my efforts, conjured maturity, bossed-around resistance, and gentle feelings that feel real one moment and fake the next, I’ll never be able to authentically give the kind of forgiveness Jesus has given me.

My ability to forgive others is made possible when I lean into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me (Ephesians 4:7).

Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination.

Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.

Cooperation is what I’ve been missing. Cooperation with what Jesus has already done makes verses like Ephesians 4:32 possible. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgiving one another just as Christ forgave you. God knew we couldn’t do it on our own. So, He made a way not dependent on our strength. A forgiving way. A way to grab on to Jesus’ outstretched arms, bloody from crucifixion and dripping with redemption. He forgives what we could never be good enough to make right. And makes a way for us to simply cooperate with His work of forgiveness…for us to receive and for us to give.

That person or people—they’ve caused enough pain for you, and for those around us. There’s been enough damage done. And you don’t have to be held hostage by the pain. You get to decide how you’ll move forward.

If you’re knee-deep in pain and resonate with the feelings of resistance, let me assure you; forgiveness is possible. And it is good.

Not original to me…

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I am still on the journey, I have so much to work through but I know that is the best way to go for me. It is a choice I will continue to make until I am totally free and I will remain free.

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Covered

I now know what it means to be covered

I want to know this peace always

I want to live in this shelter daily

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know how one can feel safe

I know how one can submit freely

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know how one can truly desire their mate

I know how one can stay joyfully

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know what it means to be loved

I know what appreciation does for the soul

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know the warmth of honesty

I know the joy of contentment

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know the peace of oneness

I know the strength of community

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know the joy of honest conversation

I know the blessing of understanding

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I choose to remain under his authority

I choose to believe we are good together

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I am staying right here no matter what

I am building this space

I want to stay here always

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I’ll be kinder

Have you ever met someone who changes your perspective in a blink? Someone who with a few words shows you the truth of who you are? I met someone just like that a while back and life as I knew it changed. Connecting the dots is sometimes really hard especially when you have lived in that situation for so long. Let me explain…

Say you were raised in a toxic family, you never know until you meet non-toxic people. As I listened to the conversations around me I begun to see pockets of madness that I had never seen before. The clincher was a burst of easily triggered and uncontrollable pain. It all started when an elder I respected said things I didn’t like about people who weren’t there and could not defend themselves. Why was he judging them? The people in question made choices he thought they shouldn’t because they should have known better about.

That was my light bulb moment…we often judge people without knowing the truth.

How many times have you judged something someone did without knowing the full details? How many times do you catch feelings of things said? How often do you say something, and someone catches feelings, and you cannot see why?

Our responses to life are usually driven from our past experiences and conditioning so when people respond in seemingly strange ways, let us cut them some slack and try and understand why. I have said this before but it has come up again because I realised that I too have judged people based on my standards and not on their lives and their conditioning.

If I have been unkind or indifferent to you, please accept my apology. If I have ignored you, please accept my apology. I did not intend to hurt you…I was just responding from what I know without reference to what you know.

I will do my best to be king from now on.

Photo by Gideon Hezekiah on Unsplash

He will come through

He will come through

On the day you give up

And the promises of God seem to fail

He will shock you like never before

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When you think you are at the end of yourself

And you cannot see any home

He will show up like never before

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When you are hungry and thirst

And there is no help coming soon

He will open heaven like never before

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When the land is dry

When the crops are dying

He sees and cares like never before

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When you are at the one end of the globe

And your love s on the other side

He will give you strength like never before

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When you are out of cash

And feel like nothing can change that state

He will come through like never before

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You can trust God

He will always see you through

He will come through like never before

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Acceptance or Understanding

I have had some of the most jarring conversations recently that had me and still have me evaluating my walk with God. It is possible to learn from the simplest conversations as well as be left thinking through things you have always believed in but now have to challenge your thoughts and make deeper connections to our realities.

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Do you long to be valuable?

I am valuable. So not longing for that.

I’m still working on understanding that I’m valuable

I don’t think it’s an understanding thing as much as it is an accepting thing

Acceptance comes from understanding…I think

Nope!! Understanding comes after acceptance.

🤔🤔🤔 fafanua (explain) please

I don’t think we can understand love, can you say you have understood love?

Not fully, I find new dimensions of it daily

Does a child need to understand love to accept it?

No, they feel it and once they know who loves them, they always go to them and settle there

So, is it understanding or acceptance?

Understanding

Still stuck at understanding.

🙈🙈🙈🙈. I’m torn…because the more I think about it, acceptance seems bigger

So, if to understand is to have a clear or complete idea of something…Then based on this…You have not been loved or felt or gotten or even loved anyone in all your life.

Every day this hits me on the face…

What is believing? Is it understanding?

No, it’s acceptance.

Can you understand without explanation?

No.

Do you believe Jesus died for you?

Yes.

Do you believe it was done from Love?

Yes.

Do you understand His love?

Not fully.

So, you haven’t accepted it?

Oh wow!!! I had never seen it that way

I think that’s where your block is at. You try to understand something (this literally means using your cognitive ability and intellect to bring something into a position you can fully comprehend) before accepting it. God is Love, there is no time or out of time you will be able to fully comprehend it and He has not once asked us to understand Him or His ways… Matter of fact His ways are past finding out. But He assures us that He loves us unconditionally and we should believe it, not believing it is doubting Him and His word. So your struggle with love, value and position is simply because you have put your mind as a judge of spiritual things and that will never satisfy you.

I don’t doubt His Love, yet I don’t receive it from others so does that negate it maybe…

God loves through people. If you can’t pick it from people how do you accept it from Him?

Good question

That’s like saying I take water from the City Council but not through my water meter.

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Pause and think with me…do you accept or seek to understand?

Hurting you redefined love

I hurt you unintentionally

I wanted to hide

I wanted to be silent

I wanted to walk away

But you said no!

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You turned my harm into hope

Chose to work things out together

Chose to remain connected

Chose to grow in the process

Chose to stand on my side

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You turned the hurt into a classroom

Helped me see my responses

Helped me understand your position

Helped us uncover our hidden selves

Helped me remain one with you

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Your love and compassion change me

You hope for us strengthened me

Your grace and faith bolstered my confidence

Your commitment to us encouraged me

You helped me heal.

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I’d like to say I’ll never hurt you

I know that is not true

I know I will make mistakes

I know we will fight

I know there will be hard times

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I promise to choose to work it out

I promise to hold on tight to what we have

I promise to actively work on growing

I promise to never hurt you intentionally

I promise to do my best every time

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Friendship Reframed

Recently I hurt a friend really badly. We have been in chatting about life and twice in the span of three days I said something which was my truth but because of how they see life, their lens was very different from mind and so the conversation hurt them really badly. All this happened in the midst of another set of conversations with other people which had already broken them.

I have always said that I am not responsible for people’s responses to what I say and that is true, but today…it just hurt. I obviously cannot control their feelings, but I am grappling with how do I avoid being the cause of greater pain for this person? Could I have said things differently? I don’t know really. I said what I needed to say as carefully as I could, but it blew up in my face.

I am totally awestruck about how easy it is to hurt each other in relationships and just how much work it takes to keep things on an even plane. I realised so many things through this interaction:

Meaning is internal and individual: This is not a new concept to me but today…it started me down and demanded that I remember that. It doesn’t really matter what I say or how I say it if we are not on the same page. Whatever I say will be understood through the lens of life the other person has and it will be translated as such.

Making friendships work is a joint effort: I said one thing and my friend heard something else. It turns out that even though we talk a lot, we are still diametrically different and each of us has to do the work to connect with and stay connected to the other person. We must jointly choose to either rebuild or let it go.

No one can force the other to understand: My perspective is mind and is filtered through the lens of my life. If I have been hurt before…I will expect people to hurt me again or I will hear things from the place of pain and castigation, not honesty. I must remain calm and willing to listen all the time.

Trust is important: If I trust someone, I know they will never intentionally hurt me so when it happens, they get the benefit of the doubt and they accord me the same. If there is little to no trust, nothing other than suspicion and sadness will manifest and in the end will destroy both of us and the relationship.

Give yourselves room to heal: Nothing good comes from the demand to resolve matters now when one party needs time to process and evaluate what they are feeling and where they stand on the matter of your friendship or relationship. When they ask for space…give it to them even if it hurts you. Why? You also have things to process and deal with so let the person do the same. Beware that after processing one or both of you may want to restructure or even end the friendship…let it happen, you will benefit at the end of it all.

Sit at the foot of the throne and learn: There is something God is trying to teach you through this process. Forget about what you think the other person needs to be learning and focus on what you need to re-learn, change, re-calibrate, let go of, grow into, disconnect from, connect to etc. No relationship is permanent unless the Father says it is so ask Him and He will see you through this challenging season.

My greatest lesson in this season is…solid friendships take time to build but they are worth the effort.

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It was not intentional

I hurt you today

I caused you pain

I wounded your heart

I broke it apart

But it wasn’t intentional

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I saw the pain in your eyes

I heard the break in your voice

I felt the blood gush out of your heart

I felt the warmth leave the room

But it wasn’t intentional

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I sat alone afterwards

I couldn’t understand how it happened

I couldn’t deal with the depth of pain

I couldn’t believe it had gone down this way

But it wasn’t intentional

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It wasn’t intentional

It wasn’t calculated

It wasn’t planned

It wasn’t premeditated

I am so sorry

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I spoke my truth

Yet it cut you through

Sliced you into pieces

Devastated you

I am so sorry

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I assumed we were on the same page

I figured you would understand easily

I guessed all was well

I didn’t tread carefully

I am so sorry

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I should have spoken up earlier

I should have been clearer

I should have asked more questions

I should never have assumed anything

I am so sorry

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You asked for time, I will give you

You asked for space, I will stand back

You asked to process, I won’t interfere

You asked for peace, I will pray for you

I am so sorry

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I hope we can restore our friendship

I hope we can still be friends

I hope we can still walk together

I hope we can watch each other grow

I am so sorry

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Please accept my heartfelt apology

I didn’t intend to hurt you

I didn’t plan it this way

It was not intentional

I am so, so, so sorry

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Growth Is A Choice.

It is very interesting to figure out how to grow our lives daily.

Think about what it is like this to become a successful business owner. If you want to become a successful businessperson, you can’t just wake up in the morning today and be successful tomorrow. You can’t wake up today and be a millionaire tomorrow. You can’t study business today and be a great businessperson tomorrow. The growth into business success needs a vision, a mission, a strategy, commitment, consistent effort, networks and connections. The hundreds, thousands, millions and even billions come over time.

The same thing applies to our faith.

Faith is built and grown over time because we must learn the patterns, shift our minds, change our attitudes, learn and apply concepts over and over until the principles of our faith are indeed our true nature. Thus time is critical because it helps us become better in our walk as we clarify why we exist and how we must live out our assignment which changes how view ourselves and how we live out our lives.

If a business will not just grow itself, why do I expect my faith to miraculously grow itself?

Christ said that his sheep will be known by their fruit, so if I have no fruit why am I expecting to be identified as one of his? The growth of fruit presupposes that there is a seed that is planted in the ground and dies. After a while, the life within it comes up and the seed gives life to a shoot that grows into a plant or tree that provides a form of fruit for all to see.

Therefore, if I want to grow and produce fruit, I must be willing to die first. I must be willing to die in the required area of growth so that I can grow and often that is what makes life so difficult. Too many of us want a simple life; we want stress-free living and thriving. We would rather float through life than deal with the thinking, strategizing, growing and becoming. We assume that it is possible to be stuck in a corner, doing as little as possible and still become someone great and worthy of the call of our Father in heaven. Alas, it is not possible in God’s scheme of things.

When He said “I will instruct you and teach you in the ways you should go. I will comfort you & watch over you…” (Psalms 32:8) He meant that there was a process to our walk. Colossians 2:6-7 also applies here and it says, “As you, therefore, have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding [a]in it with thanksgiving. Beware lest anyone [b]cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.”

If we are to be rooted and built up in Him, we must choose to be that seed that dies and then gives life, the shoot that battles the dark and pushes out into the light, the plant that braves the scorching sun, the wind, and the rain to stand firm regardless of the weather and battles for its life to be ready to produce fruit. The plant that is pruned and tended then reaches the stage of pollination where another must add to what it has to produce flowers then fruit then food that will be harvested.

Our growth is deliberate and based on a personal process because in the process He will prove us as acceptable and good seed. As in the case with business, let’s stop expecting that God will make our lives smooth sailing and problem-free rather let us understand that God in his wisdom, allows trouble to come our way and bring out of the storm a harvest of peace, grace, inner strength, character and that is critical for the next phase of our lives.

So, the next time you find things a little bit challenging don’t whine or complain, simply call on your ever-present Father and God and ask Him how the place you find yourself fits into his plan for your life, connects you to the grace for your next lever and how it brings Him glory. Then live by the answer he gives.

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